If you spend your holidays with consistently loving, reasonable people who never argue about politics or religion, about child rearing or about which kid was mom’s favorite, this article is not for you. Count your lucky stars and move on. Or stay. You are welcome to stay. Have another slice of apple pie. After all, it’s the holidays.
1. Picture a perfectly set holiday table, with picture perfect food, perfectly well-behaved children, and smiles all around from the first ring of the doorbell to the last good-bye. Know that this is not usual, maybe not even normal, whatever that may be.
2. Don’t expect other people to change. They might. It happens. But more often, it does not. Hoping for it is likely to end in disappointment and in feelings that often travel with disappointment: frustration, resentment, anger, and sadness.
3. Love them anyways. You may not love everyone there or even many of the people there, but if you are doing the difficult thing and showing up, it is probably because you do love at least one person there. Don’t forget it. Don’t lose it in the mix with all that other baggage that keeps vying for your attention.
4. You don’t need to show up for every fight you are invited to. This almost always gets some kind of reaction when I say it in session. Fairly often, people smile or laugh. It just seems so obvious when you say it out loud. And when I say fight, I don’t just mean fist-fights or verbal spars or jabs. I mean sarcasm scuffles, resentment rallies and all the other ways people make each other feel bad.
5. Incoming stealth-bomber in sheep’s clothing? (Yes, it is a mixed metaphor.) You do have options. Sometimes people don’t bother inviting you to fights because they just aren’t the kind of people who do that sort of thing. Sweet Aunt Mabel, for instance. Yet, they leave you uncomfortable, guilty, unsure, feeling bad about yourself or all of the above.
You may have the option of walking away. Or not. You do have the option to change the subject. Or saying something nice. Try a compliment. It may be worth the split-second of surprised silence. Others may learn from you. Or appreciate in silence. You probably aren’t the only target.
5. Don’t underestimate the power of just showing up with a good attitude. Or the best you can muster. Attitudes are contagious. Theirs and yours. It can’t hurt to go into the day calm and positive. Don’t get attached to changing anything up. On the other hand, being pleasant probably will not detract from the event.
6. Don’t be surprised by the Emotions. It may be helpful to identify your thoughts and feelings about the event ahead of time, giving them less potential to nab you in the moment. Stuffing your frustration, anger, and resentment about the obligation of the holiday or your sadness and disappointment about not having the perfect holiday can be a set up for having it come out when you least expect it or at a time when are unable to deal with it as well as you would like.
Identifying emotions while in a state where you can think clearly can be helpful. Simple statements attached to thoughts, such as I feel ___________ when ________ or about ____________ have been found to reduce tension and stress.
7. Accept your general disappointment that you live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and that your family members may or may not be more or less imperfect than others. That said, it is normal to have some disappointment about not having the family of your dreams. It is not required that you feel guilty or disloyal about feeling disappointed.
8. Do expect yourself to change. Did I hear, “Why me?” The people who are most capable of change need to be the ones to do it. Why is it that we expect the least functional amongst us to change, just because they cause a lot of the problems? Logically, addiction is not going to change for holiday, nor irritability, nor ego-centrism, nor anxiety. Is it too much to ask that people do their best? Maybe what you see is the best they can do right now. Compassion may not change them, but it will change you.
9. Know that you won’t get it perfect and be ok with it. That’s self-compassion.
10. Know that who you are doesn’t really change when you are with them. I hear variations of this statement all the time: I hate how being with them/or in that house makes me act/feel/change. Recognize that old patterns of interaction, even where there is not long-term negativity or addiction, tend to live on, despite the fact that they do not work, and usually never have.
That said, carrying a positive statement about themselves as an adult, as a competent, capable, loving human being often makes a real difference for people. I suggest writing an affirmation, memorizing it, and even carrying it with you on a small piece of paper so you can read it if you need to. People make fun of affirmations, even scoff at the idea, but the research backing their efficacy is solid.
And don’t forget that you are that competent, caring, adult person.
10+ And one more thing. If you really want long-term change, try making a gratitude list. All the things you are thankful for and all the things you love about the people who you will see over the holidays. Look at it every day. If the positives are front and center, when you are face to face with those difficult people, who happen to be your family members and friends, it might change things for you in the moment. And it could change more than the moment: as a group, people who intentionally cultivate gratitude are happier, healthier, and live longer.