If you spend your holidays with consistently loving, reasonable people who never argue about politics or religion, about child rearing or about which kid was mom’s favorite, this article is not for you. Count your lucky stars and move on. Or stay. You are welcome to stay. Have another slice of apple pie. After all, it’s the holidays.

1. Picture a perfectly set holiday table, with picture perfect food, perfectly well-behaved children, and smiles all around from the first ring of the doorbell to the last good-bye. Know that this is not usual, maybe not even normal, whatever that may be.

2. Don’t expect other people to change. They might. It happens. But more often, it does not. Hoping for it is likely to end in disappointment and in feelings that often travel with disappointment: frustration, resentment, anger, and sadness.

3. Love them anyways. You may not love everyone there or even many of the people there, but if you are doing the difficult thing and showing up, it is probably because you do love at least one person there. Don’t forget it. Don’t lose it in the mix with all that other baggage that keeps vying for your attention.  

4. You don’t need to show up for every fight you are invited to. This almost always gets some kind of reaction when I say it in session. Fairly often, people smile or laugh. It just seems so obvious when you say it out loud. And when I say fight, I don’t just mean fist-fights or verbal spars or jabs. I mean sarcasm scuffles, resentment rallies and all the other ways people make each other feel bad.  

5. Incoming stealth-bomber in sheep’s clothing? (Yes, it is a mixed metaphor.) You do have options. Sometimes people don’t bother inviting you to fights because they just aren’t the kind of people who do that sort of thing. Sweet Aunt Mabel, for instance. Yet, they leave you uncomfortable, guilty, unsure, feeling bad about yourself or all of the above.

You may have the option of walking away. Or not. You do have the option to change the subject. Or saying something nice. Try a compliment. It may be worth the split-second of surprised silence. Others may learn from you. Or appreciate in silence. You probably aren’t the only target.  

5. Don’t underestimate the power of just showing up with a good attitude. Or the best you can muster. Attitudes are contagious. Theirs and yours. It can’t hurt to go into the day calm and positive. Don’t get attached to changing anything up. On the other hand, being pleasant probably will not detract from the event. 

6. Don’t be surprised by the Emotions. It may be helpful to identify your thoughts and feelings about the event ahead of time, giving them less potential to nab you in the moment. Stuffing your frustration, anger, and resentment about the obligation of the holiday or your sadness and disappointment about not having the perfect holiday can be a set up for having it come out when you least expect it or at a time when are unable to deal with it as well as you would like.

Identifying emotions while in a state where you can think clearly can be helpful. Simple statements attached to thoughts, such as I feel ___________ when ________ or about ____________ have been found to reduce tension and stress.   

7. Accept your general disappointment that you live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and that your family members may or may not be more or less imperfect than others. That said, it is normal to have some disappointment about not having the family of your dreams. It is not required that you feel guilty or disloyal about feeling disappointed.  

8. Do expect yourself to change. Did I hear, “Why me?” The people who are most capable of change need to be the ones to do it.  Why is it that we expect the least functional amongst us to change, just because they cause a lot of the problems? Logically, addiction is not going to change for holiday, nor irritability, nor ego-centrism, nor anxiety. Is it too much to ask that people do their best? Maybe what you see is the best they can do right now. Compassion may not change them, but it will change you. 

9. Know that you won’t get it perfect and be ok with it. That’s self-compassion. 

10. Know that who you are doesn’t really change when you are with them. I hear variations of this statement all the time: I hate how being with them/or in that house makes me act/feel/change. Recognize that old patterns of interaction, even  where there is not long-term negativity or addiction, tend to live on, despite the fact that they do not work, and usually never have. 

That said, carrying a positive statement about themselves as an adult, as a competent, capable, loving human being often makes a real difference for people. I suggest writing an affirmation, memorizing it, and even carrying it with you on a small piece of paper so you can read it if you need to. People make fun of affirmations, even scoff at the idea, but the research backing their efficacy is solid.

And don’t forget that you are that competent, caring, adult person. 

10+ And one more thing. If you really want long-term change, try making a gratitude list.  All the things you are thankful for and all the things you love about the people who you will see over the holidays. Look at it every day.  If the positives are front and center, when you are face to face with those difficult people, who happen to be your family members and friends, it might change things for you in the moment. And it could change more than the moment: as a group, people who intentionally cultivate gratitude are happier, healthier, and live longer.  

“We brush everything under the carpet,” is a phrase I hear often when working with couples. “Then what happens?” I ask. At this point, if the couple is still on fairly good terms, they will typically look at each other. Then one or both of them will reply to the question, sometimes with a single word: “Nothing.”  This generally means that both partners carefully avoid open conflict at all costs.

My next question is often this: So how do you let your partner know you are unhappy? I also ask, “How does your partner let you know that they are unhappy?”  “I don’t talk,” and “They don’t talk,” are common responses. Meaning they clam up. They ignore. The silent treatment. This method is effective at getting a point across, at letting the other know we are angry, but not so effective at getting things resolved. And couples know this, and that is why they are looking for help. They want to learn to do something different.  

For some reason, couples are often embarrassed that they don’t know how to talk about things that might cause negative feelings and conflict, that they don’t know how to bring up areas of disagreement or how to ask for what they want. It’s as if they think they should be born knowing these things. The reality of it is that if we were born knowing these things, the world would be a radically different place.

Instead of being born knowing how to navigate the complicated waters of emotion, conflicting desires and needs, and compromise, we learn from watching. What children learn too often comes in this form from parents: “Ask your mom to pass the gravy.” That is one thing that children learn in those nice families where no one yells, hollers, bickers or even raises a voice. Children learn how to get even or express hurt without raising a voice or lifting a finger. They learned from their parents who learned from their parents. How would they know how to do something else?

Learned and repeated silence as a method for dealing with conflict is only one of many, many types of patterns couples use when dealing with conflict. With most all patterns, common threads are these sentiments: We don’t know how to communicate effectively; we don’t know how to fight; we don’t know how to resolve conflict; we want to learn. Those are brave words. Words that have the power to start changing everything.  

I often ask clients what it means to them or about them that they did or did not perform some task or action. Among all the potential reasons or responses for failure to act, one underlying theme plays often. It is the theme of perfectionism. 

Sometimes, clients tell me that they are afraid to take action because they dread failure. Sometimes, they do not know how to complete or even to begin the task, and they are afraid to ask for help. They see asking for help as weak and a failure in itself.  Often they are convinced that whatever they do, it will not be good enough. The thought process goes something like this: If the outcome is not perfect, it is not good enough, and it means they are not good enough.  

What happens when perfection is the only acceptable outcome? What happens when making mistakes is not an option?  Often, nothing happens. No efforts, no failure, no learning, no chance for growth or change. Here is what Alfred Adler said about making mistakes.

What do you do first when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning – and some of them many times over – what do you find? That you can swim? Well – life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning to swim.   

Of course, there are many reasons other than perfectionism that prevent people from taking action on a task. Sometimes it turns out that they really did not want to do the task at all. Sometimes they just had other priorities at the time.  

So I might ask a client: Are you OK that you decided not to do a task? “Yes, I am,” is sometimes the answer. Often, “Yes, but…”  is the answer. The “but” is frequently connected to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and to worries about being judged.  

Fear of judgement can lead to perfectionism. This stops people from living the kind of lives they want to live and doing the things they want to do. It causes us to spend unnecessary time and effort trying to hide our imperfections. Learning to let go of perfectionism means accepting our limitations and those of others. It can free up time and space to do the things we want to do, to try, to err, to overcome, to relax a little, to smile more, to be.

If your mind has ever stopped mid-argument and you have had a second or two where you just could not figure out what you were “fighting” about, you are not alone. There are a number of reasons this can happen. One cause can be a person’s physical state, which is tied to their emotional state. In “flight or fight” mode, thinking may not be as efficient as usual.

But sometimes, when people stop to ask themselves what they are fighting about, it can be because they know, at some level, that the topic of conversation is not the real cause of the fight. If both parties are upset, it is likely that both have hurt feelings. That both feel rejected or misunderstood or unloved. Unappreciated, under-valued, or not cherished. Or all of these. If the fight is not too far down the usual path, sometimes people are are able to change its usual course with an unexpected gesture of kindness toward their partner. Yes, it is really hard to break those patterns! There are actual people who have really done this though.  If that helps.

Part of a long-term solution is creating positive feelings and understanding between partners. Improving communication and understanding.  Creating an environment together where both feel loved and secure in the relationship. In the meantime, in that moment when people wonder what they are fighting about or feel a momentary softening of their heart for their partner, sometimes seizing the moment and saying something different, unexpected, and positive can halt the escalation of negativity and hurt.