“We brush everything under the carpet,” is a phrase I hear often when working with couples. “Then what happens?” I ask. At this point, if the couple is still on fairly good terms, they will typically look at each other. Then one or both of them will reply to the question, sometimes with a single word: “Nothing.” This generally means that both partners carefully avoid open conflict at all costs.
My next question is often this: So how do you let your partner know you are unhappy? I also ask, “How does your partner let you know that they are unhappy?” “I don’t talk,” and “They don’t talk,” are common responses. Meaning they clam up. They ignore. The silent treatment. This method is effective at getting a point across, at letting the other know we are angry, but not so effective at getting things resolved. And couples know this, and that is why they are looking for help. They want to learn to do something different.
For some reason, couples are often embarrassed that they don’t know how to talk about things that might cause negative feelings and conflict, that they don’t know how to bring up areas of disagreement or how to ask for what they want. It’s as if they think they should be born knowing these things. The reality of it is that if we were born knowing these things, the world would be a radically different place.
Instead of being born knowing how to navigate the complicated waters of emotion, conflicting desires and needs, and compromise, we learn from watching. What children learn too often comes in this form from parents: “Ask your mom to pass the gravy.” That is one thing that children learn in those nice families where no one yells, hollers, bickers or even raises a voice. Children learn how to get even or express hurt without raising a voice or lifting a finger. They learned from their parents who learned from their parents. How would they know how to do something else?
Learned and repeated silence as a method for dealing with conflict is only one of many, many types of patterns couples use when dealing with conflict. With most all patterns, common threads are these sentiments: We don’t know how to communicate effectively; we don’t know how to fight; we don’t know how to resolve conflict; we want to learn. Those are brave words. Words that have the power to start changing everything.